


Before and After

by emerald_peach



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:13:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23113012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emerald_peach/pseuds/emerald_peach
Summary: He had no wish for Magnus to not be immortal, theoretically. Alec loved Magnus just as he was, powerful, beautiful, immortal Magnus.But he knew his place in Magnus’s life. A temporary place.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 2
Kudos: 84





	Before and After

Alexander woke to the smell of coffee, and a cold bed. His eyes bleary and mind foggy he walked into the kitchen. In the golden morning light he saw Magnus in a silken robe, humming while spooning in two spoonfuls of sugar in a cup of coffee, just how Alec liked it. On the table sat stacks of pancakes, crispy strips of bacon, plump red strawberries, and a pitcher of orange juice. “Good morning”, Alec rasped out.  
“Now it is.” Magnus replied, winking. Alec was struck, not for the first time, by how effortless Magnus flirted. Then again, for a four hundred year old warlock, he is sure he has had a lot of practice. Alec walked over and grabbed his cup of coffee, and kissed Magnus’s cheek. “I was just about to come wake you up, I wanted to make sure you ate before going to the Institute, I know you have a busy day planned, and I would hate to have you go hungry. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, especially for someone as important as yourself.” Magnus said.  
“Thank you, but you didn’t have to do all of this, a granola bar would have sufficed.” Alec replied. Magnus laughed, “Oh, all of this was as easy, don’t think I woke up early and made all of this. The perks of having magic is having everything at your fingertips.”  
As they sat down and ate Magnus discussed his day plan, and the clients he was going to see, laughing about the ridiculous requests some have made. Alexander sat there in wonder and watched him speak. The way his eyes lit up, how his hands would wave around, and the soothing way his voice made Alec’s heart turn into honey. A part of his mind went back to before he knew Magnus, how he never thought he would get to have this, this slice of heaven every day, and how glad he was that he was wrong. And Alec is very rarely glad he is wrong.  
Before Magnus, Alec was afraid of this, of wanting this, knowing how many people he would disappoint. He kept himself distant, wanting to blend into the background, and privately hating how lonely the background was. His parabatai noticed how Alec held himself separate, but was never sure of the reason, never wanting to acknowledge the reason. Isabelle worried the most, the only one who knew, and loved him regardless.  
Jace and Izzy were the closest people in Alec’s life, and he had a hard time showing it. Jace and him spoke through their bond, never having to talk about their feelings, because it was always felt. Izzy always heard the words Alec didn’t have the heart to say, taking everything in stride and never demanding for more. Alec could never imagine loving any person more than he loved Jace and Izzy.  
But that was before Magnus.  
After Magnus it was like a light turned on in Alec’s soul. Magnus being a colorful whirlwind in Alec’s gray life, his spontaneous personality somehow anchoring Alec but also lifting him. Magnus was an enigma, one Alec would gladly spend the rest of his life solving. Rest of his life. His life. Not Magnus’s. And for a moment Alec was heartbroken. He had no wish for Magnus to not be immortal, theoretically. Alec loved Magnus just as he was, powerful, beautiful, immortal Magnus.  
But he knew his place in Magnus’s life. A temporary place. He knew Magnus loved him, might even be the one he has loved most. But he also knew that Magnus would love again, not in the same way, but in a way that would place Alec further from his mind. Alec felt childish and selfish for feeling that way, but he couldn’t help it. He was jealous of this future person who would have Magnus’s love.  
Logically he knew he wanted Magnus to be happy again, to fall in love again, but to admit that felt like he was admitting that he wasn’t important enough to Magnus now. This was all Alec was going to have, Magnus will always be the only one, and that's okay. Magnus was always enough to satisfy Alec. But the darker thoughts whispered in his ear about how he wasn’t enough. That one day someone will make Magnus laugh harder, smile wider, love longer. Alec wanted it all, all of Magnus, the way Magnus had all of him.  
And a deeper, darker side of him had other thoughts polluting his mind. One day Alec would be old and frail, while Magnus retained his youth. While Magnus would always live in the prime of his life, Alec would grow weaker. Before meeting Magnus, Alec had never given much thought to his future. Being gay he never thought he would alongside someone, and even on the off chance that he did find someone, he assumed they would not only be living their lives together, but also growing together. When his joints would begin to ache his partner would understand because he feels that pain too. When the lines would appear on his face he wouldn’t be too worried, because his beloved shared them. Now that Alec knew that life was off the table entirely he wasn’t sure he even wanted to grow old at all.  
It happened every now and again, during the hunt a desire deep inside would bloom, a deadly desire that told him to run a little slower, wait a little longer on releasing his arrow. He would be remembered as a hero, no one the wiser on his decision. Magnus would remember the young man who was strong and virile. Not a shell of a human who had to be taken care of. Alec could not bear it if Magnus had to help him dress, or read, or eat. Alec was supposed to be his equal, not his responsibility.  
“Are you okay?’  
Alec blinked, realizing he had completely spaced out from the conversation.  
Alec forced a laugh, it sounded harsh even to him. “Yeah, sorry. I guess I’m not completely awake yet.”  
Magnus gave him a small smile, “What were you thinking about? You looked miles away from me, and you know I prefer to have you firmly by my side.”  
“It’s nothing, I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.”  
Magnus paused, coffee mug at his lips. “Really? You looked dead to the world, if it weren’t for your snoring I would have feared you were in a coma.”  
Alec scoffed, refusing to believe he snored. Magnus stared at him, and Alec knew he didn’t believe him. Magnus had the ability to completely see through him, even more so than his own parabatai. “It’s not like you to zone out when I am telling one of my enthralling stories. Should I assume I am losing my touch?”  
“Believe me, your touch is amazing.” Alec said, then blushed as he realized what he said. Magnus lit up, “Maybe you should stay home today. If you’re tired we can stay in bed all day. You know, to rest.” he said with a feral grin. “Something tells me that wouldn’t exactly be restful.” “But it would be satisfying.” Both men laughed and the whispers in Alec’s had quieted. Not permanently, but enough to think straight again.  
Magnus’s face turned pensive, “If anything is bothering you Alexander, you can tell me. We have already agreed not to push each other away. I don’t want us to fall back into that habit.” Alec paused, not quite sure what to say. Immortality has always been a touchy subject, one Alec wasn’t sure he wanted to discuss again. Not on this beautiful golden morning, with the birds chirping, and Magnus’s humming lulling him into a peace he had rarely ever felt. Alec wanted to enjoy this moment while he could. When he was old, if he was ever old, Alec didn’t want their life to be spent fighting about things they couldn’t change. Alec didn’t want Magnus to think that he was unhappy in their relationship, or make Magnus feel guilty years from now when he did move on. He didn’t want them to resent each other.  
“Really, I’m fine. You don’t have to worry. I’m tired and I have a lot of paperwork waiting for me. I should probably shower and get ready. What example would I be setting if the Head is late?” Alec tried to aim for an easy grin like Magnus, but it felt like a grimace. Alec got up and went into the bathroom, every muscle in his body tense. When he was finished and dressed he walked back into the kitchen, seeing Magnus still sitting there absentmindedly pushing the food on his plate around, his face deep in concentration. Eyebrows furrowed and with him biting his lip Alec fell in love all over again. How could he push away from someone who loved him this much? Who worried about him and cared about his well being.  
Alec walked over to Magnus and pulled him up and hugged him close. Magnus buried his head into his shoulder, Alec could feel him breathing deeper. “I’m sorry, you’re right.” Magnus looked up, “Are you hurt? Let me help you, please.” Alec closed his eyes and sighed. “I had a perfect morning with you, everything was perfect. And suddenly all I could think about is how I don’t get to keep this. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know we shouldn’t be talking about this, and we don’t have to. Ever again. I’m sorry.”  
The silence that followed was sickening. It was like there suddenly wasn’t enough air, that it was 20 degrees cooler. Alec just wanted the ground to swallow him up. Or a demon to snatch him up. Any kind of torture would be better than to continue this conversation. Magnus took his hands and cradled Alec’s face and forced him to look at him.  
“Alexander, I worry about that too. Do you know how much you scare me? I am scared that one day you will look at me and realize that you don’t want me. The burden of my immortality is enough for some people, but then we add my bloodlines, and my mark, and my baggage. I am a lot to handle, I know that. I am scared every day when you walk out that door you won’t be coming home to me, I only have so much time with you and the thought of a demon killing you is enough to push me over the edge. The thought of losing you at all. And when I do lose you, I am scared of who I will become without you.” Magnus closed his eyes as tears leaked down his face. Alec held his breath and pulled Magnus in tighter.  
“Even with all of that, Alexander, I won’t let that stop me from making you breakfast. Or rubbing your shoulders when you get home, or whisking you away for the weekend so I can have you all to myself. I know the risk in this, but I can’t imagine not spending every single day with you pretending we aren’t running out of time. I still want it all with you, because this is it for me. Even though I don’t get to keep this either.”  
Alec was stunned, his thoughts turned fuzzy and his heart thudded painfully in his chest. “I want that too.” was all he managed to get out. Alec leaned down and kissed Magnus, and even though they had kissed many times before, it felt like the first time again. Alec smiled weakly, “So what do we do now?” Magnus hummed, “I guess we are just going to have to live our lives now. Together.”  
Alec couldn’t think of a more fulfilling life than that.


End file.
